Some Thoughts as I Prepare

This past weekend, I was a bundle of nerves and anxious wiggling as I drove to St. Joseph Catholic Church in Ost, Kansas. This little alumni night for the Totus Tuus ministry program in my diocese was intended to be a lighthearted get-together for anyone ever involved in the community, but conflicted emotions were competing in my mind. I was returning to Ost as an alumni and not a missionary after serving three summers as a counselor and attending as a camper all through high school. This program is how the Lord formed me into the woman I am, and being back in this space meant that I had to face that the chapter of my life was over. All of the current missionaries were there for their ten day training, bursting with vivacious excitement, full of energy and zeal, and I remembered when that was me, eager for a life-changing summer of service and growth. I did not know which of the competing emotions would win when I closed my car door and was greeted by old teammates, campers, families, and missionaries that were once my campers. I anticipated some level of grief over the lifestyle I was missing out on. But as always, the Lord had much more in store for me. Talking to old teammates, we went through the highlight reels of previous summers - a painting night sitting in an abandoned pool, creating games on the spot with rubber chickens and Kool-Aid, hiding in the woods dressed as Tellatubbies, hearing the voices of a hundred young girls magnify over the lake during a Eucharistic procession. As much as I loved reminiscing on those summers, it did not compare to the experience of sharing the plans the Lord has for me for this upcoming fall with this community I love so much. My smile was impossibly big and my limbs held back a happy dance as I got to share that I will be a teacher at a Catholic children’s shelter in Honduras. Many asked how I even stumbled across this opportunity, and the story is so specific but so ordinary. My friends were in awe of God’s providence as I told them that I found the organization’s poster outside of a study room at the WSU Newman Center - a place I had never studied before, and the priest had never seen the poster before. I took a picture of it and forgot about it for two months, until I stumbled across it again and looked up the organization. I was amazed; this program was everything I had been craving and praying for throughout the past two years. When I saw how much I needed to fundraise, I thought to myself, “Well, that would’ve been cool,” and deleted the photo. But every day I went to work after that, my mind would wander with the possibilities of what the Lord could have in store for me, even if it seemed reckless and radical. I shared all this with my Bible study leader, and she told me “Girl, just apply.” Applying didn’t mean committing, right? She followed with “I haven’t known you very long, but I do know that you light up anytime mission work comes up. You have been glowing this whole conversation.” This same sentiment came up as I shared my news with all of my camp friends. Anyone who has known me in the dramatic highs and lows of being a camp counselor knows that this is what I have been aching for over the years. It was in talking to them about my plans that the Lord revealed to me that He is not asking me to say goodbye to Totus Tuus - He is asking me to dive into that lifestyle more than ever before as I pursue this mission. Walking into the chapel, the air felt particularly heavy with the significance of the space. I remembered my time there training to be a missionary and the hours spent kneeling in that chapel. Hours spent in pain as the Lord carefully treated and stitched my wounds. Hours spent in confusion of how He could possibly want me as His servant for these young, impressionable campers. Hours spent trying to stay awake after draining days and sleepless nights. Hours spent unraveling the little truths the Lord had to offer me pieces at a time. All of those hours were not just preparing me for those summers ahead of me, but for this upcoming mission as well. As I hurdle questions at my heavenly Father - How could I possibly fundraise this much? How can I be away from my family for so long? Could I even learn Spanish that fast? No iced coffee, are you kidding me??? - He smiles back, knowing He has been preparing me for this moment for years.